WHEN I BETRAY THE GOD

That I am always prone to vice and very slow to amend is true

And I cannot deny it

The diseased lamb must be destroyed by the shepherd lest he will infect the others

But the good shepherd would take care and quarantine

Lord please have mercy on me for I have become like a guitar with broken strings

It is not too late, by the grace of God, to start walking a different path

What shall I say, guilty as I am and full of confusion

I have not courage to utter anything but this

In truth I confess that I am worthy of all scorn and contempt

Hope and forgiveness are brought forth in true contrition and humility of heart

A troubled conscience is reconciled and lost grace recovered

Things have worn out

And certainly lost their meaning

I’m about to breath my sorrows out

I’ve taken this breath little deeper than usual

I’m set to go home

But not in the same manner I used to walk

Because I am a prodigal

My spiritual breath ceased for some time

This much is how much I hurt him

It was practical and passionate

I think I’m not gentle enough

That’s why I have this much sorrow

It is hard to say it loud

But I will keep this regret to my heart

Mine is not disinterest or lack of commitment.

Just because I sought an experience

I caused so much damage to myself

I was desperate and was seeking rapaciously

But I’m not remotely qualified for this

I can’t handle this anymore

And this, certainly can’t handle me too

I really did thought He broke my heart

Little did I know, I betrayed him

I was the culprit, He was the victim

I broke his heart and scattered the pieces

His heart bled for my sake

How comes I was too blind to see

From the moment I made that decision

I lost my moral consciousness (conscience)

And my journey to emptiness and misery was set

I can’t seem to describe what happened on this journey

Neither do I comprehend what has happened to me so far

This path leads to the very thing I’m trying to escape

This path doesn’t interest me

But I can’t seem to fight the syndrome

My zeal for holiness never faltered

But I’ve gradually come face-to-face with the reality of emptiness

I was misled and I know by instinct that I’m lost

This is a living reality, but I don’t like it.

I have reached this point where I have to choose between two paths

I can’t possibly take both

Its time I choose between these two states of being

Finally, I realized

Loving God is more than just doing my best to serve him

He is always at home

It is me who have gone astray

I knew I was a prodigal

Yet I never did thought going home was necessary

I was comfortable in a wander land

I have waned

I lost the comfort of The Father’s house

No sympathizing look greet me here

I am surrounded by cruel devils and bitter enemies

My wanderlust has taken me away from the compassionate

I feel nostalgic

I long for the pleasures of the Father’s house

With still more indescribable yearning

But this abode of torment holds me fast

O Lord come to my aid

I have ran farther than mercy can chase

But it is not late to turn back yet

I can’t stay anymore

I’m going home

I know He is out there

Waiting to grace me with a loving embrace

In your mercy, look upon me with pity

Even if my help is not forth coming

I vow to keep my eyes to this mountain top

To you O Lord, I pour out the yearning of my heart

It cannot be satisfied by a finite love

As long as I keep fighting

I haven’t lost yet