Wednesday, 24 January 2018

WHEN I BETRAY THE GOD



Things have worn out
And certainly lost their meaning
I’m about to breath my sorrows out
I’ve taken this breath little deeper than usual
I’m set to go home
But not in the same manner I used to walk
Because I am a prodigal

My spiritual breath ceased for some time
This much is how much I hurt him
It was practical and passionate
I think I’m not gentle enough
That’s why I have this much sorrow
It is hard to say it loud
But I will keep this regret to my heart

Mine is not disinterest or lack of commitment.
Just because I sought an experience
I caused so much damage to myself
I was desperate and was seeking rapaciously
But I’m not remotely qualified for this
I can’t handle this anymore
And this, certainly can’t handle me too

I really did thought He broke my heart
Little did I know, I betrayed him
I was the culprit, He was the victim
I broke his heart and scattered the pieces
His heart bled for my sake
How comes I was too blind to see

From the moment I made that decision
I lost my moral consciousness (conscience)
And my journey to emptiness and misery was set
I can’t seem to describe what happened on this journey
Neither do I comprehend what has happened to me so far
This path leads to the very thing I’m trying to escape

This path doesn’t interest me
But I can’t seem to fight the syndrome
My zeal for holiness never faltered
But I’ve gradually come face-to-face with the reality of emptiness
I was misled and I know by instinct that I’m lost
This is a living reality, but I don’t like it.

I have reached this point where I have to choose between two paths
I can’t possibly take both
Its time I choose between this two state of being
Finally, I realized
Loving God is more than just doing my best to serve him

He is always at home
It is me who have gone astray
I knew I was a prodigal
Yet I never did thought going home was necessary
I was comfortable in a wander land

I have waned
I lost the comfort of The Father’s house
No sympathizing look greet me here
I am surrounded by cruel devils and bitter enemies
My wanderlust has taken me away from the compassionate

I feel nostalgic
I long for the pleasures of the Father’s house
With still more indescribable yearning
But this abode of torment holds me fast
O Lord come to my aid

I have run farther than mercy can chase
But it is not late to turn back yet
I can’t stay anymore
I’m going home
I know He is out there
Waiting to grace me with a loving embrace
In your mercy, look upon me with pity

Even if my help is not forth coming
I vow to keep my eyes to this mountain top
To you O Lord, I pour out the yearning of my heart
It cannot be satisfied by a finite love
As long as I keep fighting
I haven’t lost yet

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